JOURNEY OF LIFE

..from the soft unspoken whisper of heart..

2011-10-03T05:11:00.000-07:00

Somehow...deep inside me, I know if I stay in this 'cold and stiff' feeling, something ...at least one small tiny damage will happen. A few weeks back, when it was too hurt to remember or even to talk over it, I 've been asking myself if I am ready enough to face the consequences. I've tried...by God, I did try to console myself, to let it go, to take it as another one major casual mistake (or shall I say sin) done over and over again....but after getting more hurt by even thinking about it, I let it pass through my mind, through the vein of my inner feeling...and slowly through my endless prayers.

Yes, I am deeply hurt...too wounded till I thought I have to put a pause (cos full stop is not possible). I let the fate tells its story. And there it goes..the story of the small fate, bringing all the lessons that human need to glance through. Do I regret..? Do I feel helpless? Do I in any means hope it will turn up this way.....?

No, it's no to all....I am prepared. I am not hurt to accept the outcomes of my own act. If I have to see the fall of the beginning rising star, if I need to watch the sorrow and tears, I am here...ready and prepared. I am always here....cos I have all the love and prayers, cos in what so ever pain been threw up to me, I am still here...

Astagfirullah hal'azim....for all the sins and mistakes created intentionally or not....please be my witness dear Allah...that I have forgiven it all....and please grant all the strength from Your blessing and love...may it becomes a sweet lesson taught to the soul that had ignored the inner feeling of the dearest ones..

(A dedication to my dear mother...who brought us up with love, tears, sweat and blood, whom her unspoken hurt and pain is just within her prayers to God and smiles on her lips. I do understand, mother....I did hear your silence tears, I am here now to be your humble speaker, for I am too...a mother...)

Holding On....

2011-03-21T04:19:00.000-07:00

holding on..
for what I have left
is still a hope

holding on..
for the sun is there..still
when the darkness
covering my breath

holding on..
when the heart says no
and my dream never go

and yes...
still holding on..
for life is so short
but I don't wish to break

holding on.....
and still holding on...
till my last step
and I meet the end..

..and there it goes...my decision!

2011-03-20T00:56:00.000-07:00

It's not easy to make a big decision when you thought you have decided one very much earlier...and certainly it becomes more difficult when you have to watch the possibility that you have actually made the wrong one...!

I guess I was just being me....I don't wish to put other soul as a picture of my own, as I am very much happy and grateful for being who I am now.

It could be one of the stupid decision I've ever made - the one that can never be understood that easy by others. Yes, I did apply with my own will (not to mention I was smiling when I was doing it!). I did succeed in the application...and right a few days before that, I joined the conversation with a group of people who were mumbling of how late the process was. And yes...I did ask around since I got to know the result very much earlier than others.

Hahaha....! Laughing at myself, I could never thought that along the very crucial days before the registration day, I ve told myself (and my hubby of course) that I will wait for what Allah will decide for me! All in sudden..the sweet desire, the great passion..it was no longer there! I came to a very super realization that it was not me....it was not my desire, and it was not my passion at all! I was blindly agreed to the idea which I never willingly say 'yes' before!

So there it goes....the sweet unpredictable Saphire who is trying very much not to pretend and letting herself to be dragged by a false dream...a dream that could be for others but certainly a different dream (an illogical, not possible dream I should say) that she holds for quite some time...

I am all right....never could be more relieve at this time....I guess that is the sign, and I hope it is for the best!

Have faith in Allah, believe in yourself! InsyaAllah.....

2010-12-06T04:02:00.000-08:00

If you can ever make one decision and knowing so much how it will hurt your loved ones, but yet deep inside you, there's a silent whisper telling it is the right thing to do...would you step back and leave the fate does its job, or maybe....you will slowly follow your 'not blind judgment'..believing you are doing exactly what u supposed to do.....

And yes....for the lost count of numbers I did just that!

How would I illustrate the moment when I forced myself to watch the pain and tears that clearly interpreted the heart broken. And dumping aside all the feelings I could have had, cruelly I showed the fact of life - the life that I never wish would be the journey of hers or anyone else I loved.

But yes...at times, to cherish the moment of truth is like putting a big hard stone on your head...there is no option of not dragging it with you along your way. There is only 'yes' or 'no' to hear and accept the truth. And the truth is hurting....so much hurting that you wish to ignore the whisper of your true believing - believing in Him and His judgment that can never go wrong in your miserable life.

Endlessly and tirelessly I can only hope that the temptation of hoping the best can never leave their lives, hoping that they can just leave all the mess far behind and let whatever had happened wasn't anything more than a nightmare - a fiction in your sleep that is not meant to be kept or remembered.

Let it go...let it go...

It is the silence hope that came from the echo of a voice of mine, blend with love and prayer...never end in any journey, flows along your path.....always there, forever it will be.

The Chosen One..the memory....

2010-11-02T21:16:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the song of Maher Zain - The Chosen One, when one of the scene in that song reminded me of an 'incident' happening long time ago...

It is such a beautiful song...teaching to have the pure and beautiful love in our life, the love that was brought and taught by Rasulullah, the love that could bring the broken relationship together, the same love that never demand any return...that love, simply that love....

But once upon a time, I became a witness of a broken family relationship, where the one that so called close relatives (very close in fact) declaring a war due to a tiny, miny, little misunderstanding..that even a stranger could easily say 'it's okay' for it....but yes...people have their own sensitivity and how they love to keep it pasted in front of their sick life and it's like seeing a very big sign board telling..."BEWARE OF MY SENSITIVITY OR ELSE YOU'LL GET SCREWING FROM ME!"

Astaghfirullahhal'azim....

And there it goes the love that I witnessed from a person who is very much alone...so much alone that she just need Allah and nothing else more...the one that was been tested long enough with broken love and trust...but yet, she could pour more..and more...and more...

Remembering The Chosen One....I remember u mum.....and even there were so much things happening in that unique relationship...how could I tell you, how I adore your strength throughout your life, and how much I want you to know that someone is always there for you...to listen....and to share....

Words...and words....etc...etc...

2010-08-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

It has to be the same million times when I ask myself these questions - what did I say, where it went wrong, what could be the reasons...and yes, many...many more. The questions that dragged me into one familiar feeling - guilty! It's like you are accusing your own self in a miserable judgement, judged by you and happily sentence your own good self into one 'life long death penalty'!

I wish I can understand more, I wish I don't have to be the one who will have the pleasure of giving all the talk when at the end, it will bring more damage that you can't bear to watch. I wish I don't have to be the weirdo who is just too weird to be normal!

And how I wish my words can just bring all the wonderful feeling in everyone's life that they wouldn't have to change their mind or thought drastically and then keep changing back...and back and back...!

I simply can't bear being asked to bare with this any longer without saying something!

Can anyone in this world could possibly say that they mean well with their mouth shut, or at least...yes why not, at least just pretend not to realise anything...like you are just coming out from a dead zone into a bright, so call wonderful happening world?

Is that me....it was me all right, but is that what I'm supposed to be - 'see no evil, hear no evil'..the way they put it...? Make myself deaf and blind just to keep myself very safe from the unsafe world? Too coward to tell out your feeling, owned so much by you...but letting the situation to handle it for you, cos you are too 'sweet' to be brave....?

And yes...how many million times more do I need to sit and blame myself for not been able
to draw 'close attention', for the ears are too deaf, the eyes are yet too blind....and the heart is too cold to be melt...

Was I wrong then.....

Family Ties

2010-05-14T05:38:00.000-07:00

People used to say that blood ties can never be broken ...for centuries children are taught to respect this magical ties. We may call it a clan, or maybe a network or even a tribe or simply the word family...whatever we call it, the fact is....we breathe in it! Then, there comes the bond that keeps the family alive...love, respect, and so many beautiful attitude and feelings.

Over these years, looking deeper into the bond of families around me (including mine of course), I learn to see and accept many things.

Love and misunderstanding will always go along the way in this bond. Nevertheless family quarrels will always be the bitter things. They don't go according to any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material. But with this, could we hate the one that has the very same blood running in us as well? Isn't hatred is some kind of self-punishment? And even worse....could we bare to hear other people talking bad about them or laugh at their weakness...and maybe at the same time creating the 'wonderful' terms about them?

Could we actually smile with it....make ourselves deaf..pretend we didn't hear anything...just because it might be true...

Maybe...it is just maybe...the only way out of it is nothing else but forgiving. Maybe we can just forget about everything...maybe after all it is just indifference...Then perhaps we can slowly forgive ourselves too....for sometimes have to get hurt by the cruel words about them...our dear family.

I wish ( A dedication to a dearest friend)

2010-04-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

I wish to tell a story
a story of sorrow,
a story of grief,
I saw pairs of ears
hanging everywhere
but mine....was not there..

I wish to sing
a song of love,
a song of life,
I saw music and their rhythms
gracefully dancing,
but my voice
silently sinking...

I wish...
and how I wish..
but my wish
was not alive by any means
and so I knew...
I am just nobody
and myself can't be seen anywhere....

Life....ooo life!

2010-04-05T07:47:00.000-07:00

There was a moment which I thought I can leave most of the sad moment which I had in life, as much as I thought I can bring all the laughter I can create and find in life. At times I felt there is no need...no need at all to think of the past since it hurts so much.

But there goes the life...the beautiful and colourful kind of life which you are given no choice to think if it is fair enough for you. Though I still want to believe so much that I have all the right in this world to make my own choices on how I am going to go about this life....being a puppet is definitely suffering and killing, and giving other people all the way to pull the string for you is totally crap. It had to be one of the saddest moment when your silence was killing you slowly - but could I possibly leave all the sorrow behind when I realised so much that somehow one day I will be forced to flip through those pages!

Could I just close my wide opened eyes when it is still not enough to get the lesson from it, can I bravely say I've grown up enough with this life...?

Life itself has changed, people changed....must I change then just to make sure I will not be left alone...

The choices are mine, the right of making one is mine too - at least that is what I believe, and that is one of the many truth in this life. The changes of life or whoever or whatever couldn't deny it.

Life is a lesson - there is no way I will say I won't turn back to see if I might left anything behind, and there is absolutely no way I won't move on to learn more of the colours of life. I wouldn't care, if I can say, to whatever misery that would try to slow me down. And perhaps.....just perhaps...one day I don't have to be scared anymore of any sorrow in this life..the past or present.

After all......how could anyone be that weak when you have a great love with you, fencing you from the pain...the love that is interpreted in so many special ways, the love that is always there.. just for you.....

2010-03-29T04:41:00.000-07:00

I met a friend who was sitting for hours with me, lending me her precious feeling of life...and I as usual borrowed her my ears...but it was different though, borrowing her my ears was more like borrowing her my understanding and not sympathy, or more like giving my heart than my ears!

Feeling been left alone when you have everyone around you, thinking the time has stopped when it still moving on fast, rolling on the bad memory when you have buried it long enough to remember anything....and even worse, you feel everything inside you is dying and falling down....part by part, inch by inch every single moment and second!

Could life be that suck for some people...people like her who has thousand and one forgiveness for others, when their anger could never reach the bottom of their heart, when they have lots and lots of love for others? Or is life (for these people) is just too good to be true?

I saw tears that didn't look like pain to me...it was more than just a heart broken, much more than just dropping tears or sobbing heart....much and much more that it broke my heart too!

She used to be the strong one..used to see the beautiful smile of her that always remind me of the blossom pink roses at my mother's small garden. I used to think how a person could appear with such a happy face most of the days..even when she was sick, it was like nothing could steal that smile from her....

But who could actually see what is cracking inside...especially when no one around you show that much of interest to care, they can't be bothered, they are just too busy to satisfy their needs...and it is very painful to see how meaningless humanity to people nowadays, and that 'people' called themselves as 'human being'!

I dragged my legs to leave her that day....still feeling so disturbed by her last words, the words that came from the sweet smile still...

"You have given me your ears all the while...please be patient a little bit longer...just need your love for this very last moment...."

I looked at her with million questions....but she as usual just been herself.....and slowly i prayed, very deep inside me, that she could just have the strength again, that she won't stop hoping for the bright journey...at least for one last moment......just one....

Hope and Dream.....

2010-03-24T07:04:00.000-07:00

Someone told me that no matter how hard it could be, one should never write the word 'giving up' in their life. I ve been through all kind of path in this journey and keep hearing the same rhythm, somehow in between I realized how easy one could just say things which they don't understand, and don't even try to absorb the meaning of life itself.

The learning process that could never stop in this life taught me another thing which sound so simple, that simple till we forget how powerful it could be - never ending hope. I might be one of the stupid human being in this world that put the high quality in this beautiful word. At least it got me going on when I started to dream to fly high above the sky when I couldn't even step steadily with my small feet.

Those are the hopes..million of hopes that in this life I witnessed them with my naked eyes, how true it could be. It is true...true that you could turn your dreams to be real, when you put all the hopes and never ending prayers, when others have just gave the cynical look...but you couldn't be bothered!

The journey of life...you and me would have our end somewhere, sometime....and we have to decide what hope or dream that will lead us to one end....the end that has to be answered one day....

life....another lesson

2010-02-23T05:30:00.000-08:00

How if I can turn back the time...perhaps when I was a girl, small girl...when life should be easy (or was it that easy...?);
how if I choose to be someone else - a successful business woman, a famous singer maybe or could it be a loving housewife (it has to be a long list then);
or how...just how if I just leave the word 'if' and be grateful with the fact of...yes! I am what I am and who I am!

It's the biggest fact that I used to accept everything and learn to adapt the word 'grateful', that nevertheless creating little happiness in my small tiny world, hunting every chances that I can get to make myself busy, so that the devils of sorrow could put a distance from me...that is life! And who says life could be that easy...and who would say that we are going to stay forever (as a Muslim of course).

And now...at this moment, I learn very much not to be scared anymore of that word 'fate', don't have to be worried to be left alone handling life (since it is so complicated). I learn a new phrase that was kept away from me years ago - standing for my right, be brave enough to spell the word 'NO' when I am forced to shout 'YES'...then yes! I am grateful, so grateful that I never learn to complain so much about life, when I was gifted to have a loving patient old man and then was handling me to the fate that lastly ended in a very precious heart.

Alhamdulillah...(and love to say that again and again).
Allah is great...we could never guess where the destiny would end, but surely whatever is fated to us has a great lesson behind it....

Happy Birthday honey!

2010-02-10T05:19:00.000-08:00

It was the very last minute which I chose to buy hubby's present....it was not so much of making a choice actually. I can always choose to grab anything a week or two before, but finding reasons or making excuses for coming back late from school is just something that I do not know how to do!

That rather sounds funny I know....but I guess it is just me. The funniest thing happened when I couldn't even get the right size of his sandals! I still remember that early in the morning I measured his old sad sandal (since the new one was 'taken' by someone at the mosque). When I showed the measurement by handling over a 'stupid rope', I couldn't help myself from noticing how the young man who attended me smiling. I even told him..."hey try not to laugh at my stupid rope k..!"

And surprisingly he showed me the biggest size he could ever find! I was wondering how could the feet could be that long...but stubbornly (like always) I don't bother to think further. The reason is just because I don't want to be late reaching home. And yes...gave it to hubby and as I had expected earlier, it was damn big! But as usual, he didn't make a big deal about it...'never mind, we can go and change it', he said but I was cursing myself silently.

Anyway, I should say...finding things as a present to guys is not an easy task! Just have to observe more on their needs, their liking, their madness on something (as for him, he is a die hard fan of Liverpool and the loyal fan of adidas brand). But I do learn one thing though...after that not very long observation and studying about my dearest hubby, I can now bravely make a list of all the things that I could get for him (except getting the right size of course...hahaha)

Happy birthday honey.....
Luv u so so so very much....

End of the journey....

2010-02-03T05:16:00.000-08:00

As early as 7.30, we were getting ready to go to Allahyarham En.Hadzman's house, our former YDP PIBG.

I was not feeling so well as the flu and body aching are killing me now and then lately. Even though my heart was just 80% of going (because of my condition), my legs were dragging me down from the building. I guess that was the sign of... yes..I should go. In fact, apart of the feeling....I was the one who was driving!

There was not so much feeling or thinking came to my mind that time....but as I sat and read the yassin..I was beginning to ask questions to myself, beginning to recall back the memory that for sure will hurt me again, and beginning to pray harder deep inside my heart.

Life after death...we always say or read that, maybe in just a very casual normal conversation. Everybody will meet their own finishing line of their life...it seems to be so easy to even think about it. But the fact is...how well-prepared are we? How much love for this world...so much till we (perhaps it's only me)actually forget to build the ultimate love for the One that we are going to go back to...

I've seen death around me for years over years...seen too much till I thought I ve seen enough...! But every life comes with its own promise of death...we who are given all the time in this world to 'never to be late' preparing something for that final day, should start finding the beginning point. And lets hope Allah will guide us to His path...till His promise comes one fine day....

"And Allah will never grant respite to any soul when its appointed time has come; and Allah is Aware of your doings" - Al-Munafiqun, 11

Holiday in Terengganu

2009-12-09T06:18:00.000-08:00

The journey started as early as 6 a.m, shoot straight to hubby's office in KL. The journey was smooth as it was Saturday and it eased down my nervous feeling (it has been 7 years since the last time I drove to KL)

We started our very first holiday at 7.15 a.m. I still remember the very first words which came from hubby's mouth..."This is it, darling!" We planned for this for such a long time and finally after all the obstacles, now we are actually heading to Terengganu. (But of course we had to drop by in Kuantan for my cousin's wedding).

Reached Kuantan at 12 noon. Met mum, brother, aunts, uncles and a group of my Bugis family, as well as Jawanese family(my uncle married to a Jawanese lady)A very moderate wedding as my uncle is a very moderate down to earth person himself (not thinking of his position in Petronas - people can never guess!)

Heading to Kuala Terengganu, took over the steering while hubby slept. It was heavily rain in Kemaman that forced me to pull over in Petronas petrol station (for 1-2 minutes)Journey was smooth then, rain stopped completely when we reached Dungun. The sun was smiling at us a while later ( feeling like our holiday was blessed by Him)

Looking and searching for a place to stay, were panicking a bit cos we had zero experience here. Finally reached Batu Buruk Beach Resort - wow! I can bravely say that one could really enjoy their stay here. Spent two nights here, went to a few places and had to rush back to Kemaman cos hubby had to go back to work on Wednesday. Spent the last night in Hotel Shafura (not so bad - ok la). Recalled back the memories when i was teaching here once upon a time - SK Seri Geliga (was SK Kuala Kemaman before), and a few places that I couldn't even recognize!

Tuesday evening - we reached home...home sweet home. There's nothing like home!

2009-11-06T05:11:00.000-08:00

I have made a special video for someone last week, tried to publish it here but failed to do that until now...surely I'm not going to give up but how mad was I! But yes....of course, it's not fated for me to do that...yet, by God's will.....(insyaAllah) one day....

I realised one thing in a way....we can always plan things, even though at times we do need surprise and the very last minute decision, that is life I presume...There's no perfection in anything, not even in that 'close to perfect' plan..disappointment is always there but I guess believing in Allah is the most perfect medicine...

Go go chayo Neeza...!

Journey of this very short life.....there's no ending in learning the secret of it, and there won't be enough space to write the beauty of the endless understanding...

Another path...another meaning...

2009-10-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

A very long journey of realization finally brought me to another lesson of this path of life...words might describe what the heart felt, tears could explain the torments of life, but could it be...one, only one soul in this hypocritical world, positively say that it understands well what so ever running like hell in that miserable heart?

For years I was trying to understand one simple word, yet claimed as a magic tragic word by some people...'LOVE'. Many years back I found the actual meaning that of course applies for my only self...nothing to do with other people's understanding, even it meant to hurt me more nevertheless it created million happiness to the people around me.

"If you fail to find happiness, be happy with the happiness that you created for your loved one"....I used to remember that phrase, it seems to be one of my million motto of life...but yes, I managed to keep it save somewhere that I could stand for my own right of happiness.

But how could we possibly change the important things that seems to be 'ever ready' born with us - our little fate.

I wish to chase the rainbow, I wish I could fly together with the birds, I wish to swim as fast as the fish...but one could never be what they could not be, for they are what they are...in every possible way that they tried to change or hide, end of the day...what stays as a fact will stay as it is.

The realization, the truth of life...how to be strong enough when we are too weak, how to stand still when we are falling down...

(somewhere...somehow...I contribute this symphony of heart to someone who loves to be happy by creating thousand smiles on others - for you being so drowned by your silence pain, for you are not alone...)

Life....another journey

2009-09-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

Long months of work loads, crumpled me in such an extremely busy life...what a LIFE!

It was months that held hubby with his work...leaving me to be an independent wife who learned a great responsibilities and to believe once again...that yes! I can do it!

Going to school like usual, rushing home to bring kakak to the clinic, running to town to pay bills, spending most of the evenings cooking and many others....and felt wonderful that later in the evening (very late evening in fact) I could welcomed hubby back from office with smile!

And yes...not forgetting a few disturbance from my long life enemies...a month with such dramatic tests that brought long prayers along the way...

Path of life without obstacles is meaningless I should say, it won't lead us anywhere...and I trust Allah..my Creator, in deciding the best for me, and for those I love...

Happy Teacher's Day

2009-05-30T03:06:00.000-07:00

29th May 2009
It's another celebration for Teacher's Day, another year...another memories.
'Happy Teacher's Day'.....that will be the common wish I will hear from all kind of students, even from those whom we never teach or even recognize! Shaking hands and giving presents are two of the 'must' things on that day. And it won't be too much for me to say that almost every teachers in this world are looking forward for this one day, the day of recognition (if I can put it that way).
This year I am honored to receive one of the 'glamorous' title - 'The Most Loving Teacher 2009'. Wow! It was a shocking moment, really...to know that the students have voted me for that scary criteria! And as I was walking up the stage, while the students couldn't stop clapping and cheering for me....I was pressing my mind deep inside. A loving teacher...and the most loving teacher...!I wonder how the students interpreted the meaning...
It doesn't really matter to me though, I just care how much interest and love I can create in them to learn English, to be smiling whenever I enter the class, to feel free to come and see me when they have doubt in their understanding, to try their very best to complete all the work and no more hesitation in asking questions and lastly...if they can implement every single knowledge, attitude and confidence in their daily life, not forgetting the exams, I guess it would be the ultimate satisfaction as 'the most loving teacher' in school..!
'The best discipline in the world can only be formed by LOVE and RESPECT'...isn't that what I used to say to you kids....
And of course....I do love you...all of you!

The Climb (contribution for my wonderful girls and students

2009-04-20T02:16:00.001-07:00

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"you'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I....I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
always going to be an uphill battle
sometimes I'm going to have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggle I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down
But no!I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most
Just got to keep going

And I....I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Ghajini

2009-04-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

I keep on listening to the same song....over and over again - Kaise Mujhe.
Any ideas at all about the song...? Can't really get the meaning (since I can only catch one two words in Hindi) but the story...? Definetely yes...!
It's one of the best Hindi movie I've ever watched - Ghajini. I always fond of Aamir Khan's acting and I even adore him more after watching Ghajini!
Is it the story line...or can it be the characters, or may be the casts themselves? Never really know the casts better than Aamir beside seeing a very few times of Ashin's acting in Tamil movies.
But no, the casts are not the main reason...it is just another love story, another life, another world....which I saw and felt clearly in Ghajini. A coincidence...? An intentional cause...?
Or may be I have almost forgotten the curse that I was urged in a way to reveal it back. But...every single moments?
If...if only there is a fate waiting for me somewhere, sometime, may be..by God's will, I can 'demonstrate' the unique and beauty of that love..the joy, the pain, throughout generations over generations..
Could it be one day....when Neeza is not the 'weird not normal' Neeza anymore, and the legend could be shared by the entire world.
The fact is just one, I guess....nothing is more powerful than Him, we might find it difficult to understand, far more to accept it...but according to Him, nothing is impossible. It can't be reachable by the thinking of our weakness human nature.
Ghajini....a true unique unbelievable love story, and for you...Nur Aisya Syafiqah, your story is just a mirror of it...how can I deny it....

Life

2009-04-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

Life when there is no space to breathe....how to pretend that you are not dead, and how to live when you can't find any reason not to...
How I wish life is not that too complicated.
Hypocritical world can never promise you anything, and if it does know to make one...how possible for it to keep them?
When life is too short, why have to make any attempt to live forever in it? Why try to make it yours when it can never be owned by anybody? Money, status, ....the recognition is too symbolic. Can't it be simple to be simplify...
Why all the hassle....what is happiness all about....
La Tahzan....I am reading it over and over again. Try to catch the meaning...wish to have more understanding.
The actual meaning of life, it is just a path for another life...that simple and....very promising.
Astaghfirullahal'azim.....

Thought.....and hope

2009-03-19T05:10:00.001-07:00

A decision has to be made!
Why am I still hesitating? What else has to be consider at this moment?
It's a big decision, in fact one of the most 'tremendous' decision I've ever made in my whole life!
Didn't I love teaching...? Aren't kids the most wonderful God creation that never fail to make me smile...? To teach, to see them applying what I have taught...isn't it a wonderful feeling all these years? Then why do I have the thought of quitting,resigning or whatever it is called....?! Am I out of my sensible mind?!
May be it was just because of the school, the load of works that i COULD NOT take it anymore! I am holding most of the 'glamorous' positions in the school - the head of English panel, assistant of another panel, secretary of another important 'body', not to mention 'coordinator' of SPBT, the great 'money collector' of the School Teachers and Staffs Welfare (hope I'm using the right term), the head of SisBT programme and ohhh yes! I am responsible (in a way)of UPSR English presentage (cos I am teaching the first two classes in Year 6 - not to mention I am also the English teacher of the best class in Year 5)
I am just catching up the feeling of 'I am done' with all these!
Now and then, 'they' can't just leave me in peace and happy with my beautiful world of teaching without interrupting it with some additional flavors that seems can ONLY be done by ME!
What will I do if I resign? I can only get my pension when I reach the age of 45, meanwhile... shall I enjoy my freedom by sitting for hours in front of the laptop, doing all the things that I missed to do, be a teacher at home for the kids, a full time housewife and mother, reading as many books as i want (how I miss to do that), going anywhere I wish (without having any feeling of worry of any datelines)...??
Hey, it's kind of interesting too, at last I have my freedom, enjoying life to the fullest, the way I want it to!
But....will I one day sit at one corner of the hall, viewing all the gifts and cards which I received from the students ( I do have one corner and racks to display all the gifts at home)and start thinking how much I miss to hear 'Good morning, teacher'?Scary thought that I don't wish to go through!
One day...it will be a day when we have to let go everything. As I used to say to myself....sometimes we have to sacrifice one thing to get another thing, and we have to decide which will be the priority of those.
I am in dilemma....surely I am at the moment but the great thing to be at this stage is when I know hubby is always beside me, giving me all the freedom to think and make any decisions, supports me all the way without any doubts.....and I know well, ALLAH is there too to hear my prayers....what could be more wonderful than these....

The Dreams and Hopes

2009-01-29T06:51:00.000-08:00

When we've been absorbing life with millions of hopes and dreams, and just when we are about to smile to see some light through the small hole of that unimaginable dreams...there comes a thunder, snatching the very tiny little hope that one could ever built....
I guess it was just another episode of life, a test which sounds and looks so familiar, but yet it will still hurts....so much.
Chuck all the sorrow to the very deep well of sorrow, do not turn back to create another lump in your heart, so that there will be no crushed and the heart won't be 'soggy' anymore....no more, no more.....
And maybe...just maybe, the crumpled, half-finished reality is just the beginning of everything, or at least THE one thing that you have been longing for all the years, THE one that you can ever dream to hold in your heart....
God is there...says my hubby, all the time without fail. His smile and strength, his never ending prayers, no matter how much it hurts him too as well.....
How could I ignore it....how could I possibly not building up the dream once again...how could I be weak when God is there, yes, yes.....the Greatest God is there! The Most Gracious and Merciful.......
How could I let this misery slowing me down....
And yes....eventually, that is what life all about....
Alhamdulillah...once again...again and again.....alhamdulillah....

My great responsibilities...alhamdulillah.....

2009-01-06T03:53:00.000-08:00

2nd day of school.....gosh! Dealing with books and students and last but not least, the parents of course, are definitely not an easy task. Never really knows how to take care of the books is the most common attitude among the primary students. Borrowing books from friends is another 'special' kind of habits between them....and it end up, the books will be lost by end of the year, and as a result they have to face penalty - replacing the book. Handling this 'interesting job' makes me love my room which once upon a time was very close to be called a 'haunted cave'.
I still remember when I stepped my feet as a 'responsible person' in that room. One could never end up more than a minute in that room - dark...very dark with one dim light, no fan at all of course, dusty racks with piles and piles of dusty books lying on it, dusty tables, old thorn files...ooo my God! This is a dying room that surely going to kill me off...that's what I thought that time.
But....yes, I was just being me, couldn't just give up that easy, no way!
So...here I am, in this room after two years. No more so called haunted scary cave. By His Grace, alhamdulillah, I manage to convert the room into a comfortable SPBT room which can make me stay the whole day inside it. And yes, it has four big lights, two fans, a big computer table, additional four steel racks....and the most special things which I needed most - a set of pc with the very sophisticated and latest version, together with an expensive printer. The wall is painted with bright colours, curtains too! And now I can expect to have guest who can sit for hours in this room, feeling so much comfortable with the environment.
I am so proud of myself! I keep on motivating myself with such compliments, feeling so great when something that once seems to be impossible to be done, now it is no longer a dream.
And today, again...I have to deal with my loving students and fantastic parents whom actually building up my patience year by year. I must admit, my unique love towards books (which already inside me since my childhood time) becomes greater because of this job and now....I am not only teaching my wonderful students to love learning English, having confidence to communicate using that language but also teaching them to love and care for their books! Love and love.....how wide love is! How special it could be! And being in this room every single day....I can feel the love around me...in a very special way...
Thanks to my loving hubby for helping me to create such environment, you inspire me in a very sensitive, touching way....words can't just describe it. And to Mr. Sukarman, my very understanding headmaster for noticing my hard work and due to that helping me to get all the facilities, to my students who always willingly to give a sincere hand, to my wonderful girls who never say 'no' when I need them, and yes....the most greatest thanks to Allah, for leading me the way, solving the problems that occurred....
Alhamdulillah....alhamdulillah......

Between the tears and victory....

2008-11-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

Two weeks has passed by since the day UPSR result was out. This is the day where the the students could measure their effort in getting 5As and as for teachers like me, this is the final stage of seeing the outcome of six years giving all the early knowledge of primary level to them.
The most heart-beat actually came from the year six teachers who are teaching the major subjects. Are they going to score A, is the percentage going to drop, is the quality more important than the quantity...where are we going to move from here, everything has to be answerable, if not to the administrators or even worse to the department, at least to ourselves.
My congrats to all the eleven students who were smiling in tears that day....Viknaraj(the 'president' of ^ Musytari), Jason(my great helper in SPBT), Sim Er Wen(hey..hey..my dear fragile boy, you did it!), Fadwah(you proved it girl!), Farhan(didn't I tell you that A for English is in your hand if you try harder?), Hariz(I know you can do it boy!), Fazriq(no doubt about your ability), Avelyn(wow!How come you can have so much tears!), Shanmatee(looking so calm), Rashwini(couldn't forget her mother's reaction that day) and Azilah(hey girl!I love your English spoken).
And to the others...Adawiyah, Pavithra, Priscilla, Maran, Hong Zhe, Barat, Li Yen, Sam, Arvind and everyone in Musytari, they are still the best to me...at least for my subject, they proved to me that they are the real A students for English.
And yes....! The percentage for English subject increases, addition of 10%! And what can I say....congrats to all English teachers in SKTKU! We have to try harder in future, we have to expect more and more!
My prayer and love for all the year six students 2008 especially to my 6 Musytari's students, never ever let your dreams die, always remember this....'The only things that stand between a person and what they want in life are the WILL to try it and the FAITH to believe its possible'.
Go go chayo!

My dear amma

2008-11-20T17:04:00.000-08:00

The sweet smile and loving face of her has never fail to welcome me at the door. Looking at her as though looking at all the happiness in the whole universe. Being with her makes me wondering, how love...mother's love could be that strong, that pure, that great!
How could anyone deny this love and put it aside of their life! A mother who could never stop loving and praying for their kids...no matter how much it will take, they are willing to sacrifice what they have, even their own precious life, just name it...they just willing to give if that can buy our tiny happiness or even for our 'stupid' smile!
How in this world we can ever think that we can pay every single 'blood and tears' they dropped for us? Mum who never complain if we raise our voice when we feel free to do it, she could never show her sorrow when we never care to ask her well-being, she will always be there...the same old lady we've known, with her love and prayers that we just can't imagine where the fullstops are....
Amma...
How can i thank you..
for your endless sacrifice
and unselfish understanding
for your patient and forgiving
when others are forsaking
for your true believing
when others condemning....;
but how can i not thank you
for being my great 'amma'...

Founding the Lost Track (MGS Sweet Girls Students)

2008-11-15T06:30:00.000-08:00

A fine afternoon came very slow, when I realised how fast the time passed by, I was there in Biker's Kopitiam with my beautiful gorgeous friends....the very familiar faces, names suddenly lost when faces took place, when the memories were mingling around. Pit, the 'never-ending' spoken lady(who can still smiling and active in her recovering process), Lina who tried very hard not to touch any food due to her 'funny worriness' about her weight, Feda who couldn't stop talking about her fine direct selling business, Zizah with her 'low-profile' in her 'marhaban' activity, Shila...(how could i never realise she is just staying nearby!), Min, the smiling face even with her sweet patience loneliness (but yet wouldn't want to complain), Norli...(how you can be tall and thin still!), Ruby..(wow! The gorgeous babe!), Rozita...I almost couldn't recognise her....and so many others (million sorry for not be able to put everyone here); the great reunion of Methodist Girls School students...how can i thank you ladies (Pit, Abby, Lina and Puncher) for bringing us back together.
It was absolutely a memorable afternoon, another memories to be filled up to our 'memory card'...hidden somewhere among all the memories we've been keeping all the while. Time can leave us, but not the memories that can never left behind. Sharing stories seemed to be a must to everyone who came, but how could anyone spelled the value of love among us, which 'once upon a time' was interpreted by the jokes, fight and even jealousy!
This is the journey of life after all. Every single moments are just like 'a pearl among the sand' (is that happened to be the direct translation of the famous Malay quote? Well, just beat it!).
I love you girls! Hoping not to see you only in next year.....(who can ever promise we still have tomorrow, right?) I pray we will 'jump to each other' in any shopping complex, in the market(unfortunately that is the place which i will go once in a very blue moon) or maybe just from a distance when we glance to each other and whisper the love through the wind....
My special thanks for you dearest hubby for driving and fetching me there and for giving me your ears for the 'non-stop' story in the car on our way back....
Luv you, luv you, luv you all!
How great God is for creating so much love for us to share, and yet there is much more to give....

A Prayer For The Greatest Man (In My Life)

2008-10-28T05:12:00.000-07:00

With a humble heart
He prays for me
And thanks the God
For everything
Though he has seen
Life in difficult way
He still smiles today.

In silent mood
He cries the tears
For happiness he found
Though he has known
A tragic life
He whispers love
To me, his wife.

With prideful heart
He faces the world
When he holds the hand
Of seven little girls
Though he has felt
The loss of dreams
He says they are wonderful

Dear God,
In my humility
Please open his eyes
So he can see
That I'm in awe
Of what he has done
With a broken life
And what he has become.

Please lift him up
And let him know
He's the greatest man
I have ever known

And let his days
passing by
And in his closing nights
Let him realise
The humble prayers I have
and the endless love
which will never die

2008-10-24T16:48:00.000-07:00

If we can measure love by our presence, or perhaps by the never ending smile, or maybe by zipping our mouth from hurting our loved ones;
and if misery can be measured by dropping of tears, or rather the 'sweet' long face, or maybe by throwing out the anger, hoping others can get the message.....
BUT
how if we just measure the great love with the sincere prayers all the time, or perhaps by the sincere advice that comes from the heart - it may hurt sometimes but we mean well, or maybe...maybe just by the sincere 'lazy calls and sms'....
then PERHAPS
the misery will no longer be there. No more tears, no longer the sweet irritating face and there's no need to give anyone ANY message from our anger, cos there's no reasons for that at all!
Life is simple, life is short. Why not make the best of it? Why don't we spread love in our own special way when it never cost us anything, not even a cent!
Let us love and forgive, let us give and accept...
End of the day....who are we to claim we are the best and never commit any mistakes or even sins? And how great are we not to forget and forgive.....when God, whom is the Greatest, can have the great mercy on us...the sinners.
The journey of this very short life......at least, just take a while and whisper the prayers...right from the very tiny sincere heart, deep down inside....

- 25th Oct 2008, 8.07 a.m

prologue

2008-09-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

will I be able to evaluate
the speechless tears
the soundless sigh
to reunite
the heartless tone

must I let
the stubbornness
binding the pure heart
must I accept
the endless forgiveness

or will the humanity
been burn out
when the heart broke
when the door is closed....

2008-09-19T03:41:00.000-07:00

Well, well, these are the two Malay girls who are very passionate in learning the second language in Malaysia. Fadwah and Azilah, you two are the good examples that anyone can learn and master the language as long the desire is there. Chayo, chayo!

2008-09-19T02:47:00.001-07:00

2008-09-14T01:18:00.000-07:00

Hey, look who are here! My dear Tashmeet and Maran. Hey guys! You two are cool!

2008-09-14T01:05:00.000-07:00

No jokes! They are twins, the cute and naughty one but yet so smart. Just ask if they think they are gorgeous, they will answer you, "Kakak is pretty and I am cute!"

Who Am I

2008-09-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

Who am I....dear Lord,
that You will hear the whispers of my heart
Who am I
that You will look with Your Mercy
whom You will love me with Your Grace

the sins that burnt every steps
the lust that smells every moments

Who am I
dear Lord,
for me to ask forgiveness
searching for Your Glory
seeking for Your Love

my sins pain me
my worries pulled me down

Oh Lord,
who am I,
to ask for your guidance,
for I am poor
for I am still imprisoned

alone
in the darkness,
i am knocking the door
who am I
dear Lord.....who am I.....

Facts of Life

2008-09-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

Evaluating
every dreams
every hopes
every memories
every moments
every breaths

The dreams
where is the reality...?
The hopes
seeking for the facts...?
The memories
are they still renown...?
The moments
signified the time...?
The breaths
waiting for the sin....?

end of the journey
searching for a final destination
reaching slowly....

The Touch of Love

2008-09-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

It was a fine morning, when i was watching the students from the balcony as they were coming out from the hall with various kind of expressions on their faces. Some of them were smiling at me, waving hands and shouted 'it's easy teacher' to me. I was about to walk to my room when one of the boy came running towards me and giving signal asking me to wait.
"How was the paper, Sim?' I remembered asking him.
The thin Chinese boy looked at me with a bitter smile and slowly whispered, "Teacher, can you please hug me?"
I felt tears in my heart as i drew him close to me and as I was trying to console him, I remembered an incident that had happened a few months back. It was the same boy, the same situation that clearly showed to me how fragile he is.
I managed to give him comfort by the sincere hug when i saw he smiled again at me.
"Thank you, teacher. I feel ok now," he told me as he walked away.
"Hey Sim," I stopped him. He looked back with a smiling face. "It's not the end of the world yet. Never give up!" I continued while putting my right thumb up. He nodded and ran happily.
As I was walking into my room, the thought of Sim Er Wen, the fragile jovial Chinese boy came to my mind. How much a touch of love can interpret everything. How much a sincere heart can wipe all the sorrow. No words are needed. Not a long phrase of motivation, not a fantastic quotes could help, it's just a touch of love will heal the pain...a small one will do, as long it comes from the heart. How great life is!